Wa$ted Ca$h

It comes to us in two forms today.

First, check out this story from Saturday's New York Times about a gene test that claims to measure your kids aptitude for certain sports.

The test's premise sounds promising.

Scientists have isolated the gene that controls whether you'll have a preponderance of fast-twitch muscles (good for explosive sports like sprinting and football), slow twitch muscles (the ones that make marathoners and cross-country skiers), or a mixture of the two. For the low, low price of $150, these geneticists will examine your child's DNA and ascertain what the magic gene tells says about your kid's muscle fibres, which in turn helps determine the sport at which your child will excel.

Two problems surface immediately.

First, determining your genes won't change your genes.

Elite athletes are elite for a reason, which is why 99.99999 percent of us aren't elite athletes. So the guys at the sprinter end of the spectrum would take the test and learn they've got a lot of fast twitch fibres, and the marathoner types will find they've got mostly slow twitch. And everyone else will learn that they've got the average genes of an average athlete, destined to accomplish average things on the playing field.

Second, this test measures one very specific aspect of athletic ability. It won't tell you if your kid will be co-ordinated or flexible, or whether he'll quit fighting the first time he takes a left hook to the chin. And until they develop tests for something beyond muscle fibre type, this type genetic screening is useless except as a way to siphon cash over eager stage parents, hoping the test tells them their brat is the next Tiger Woods.

So in lieu of widespread genetic screening I've got a better way to figure out which sports your kids will excel at:

Let them play sports. See where they excel. Proceed from there.

Is that too complicated?

Part II




Came across this column from ESPN.com's Rick Reilly, detailing how Michael Vick went bankrupt while in jail.

This isn't my first riff on Vick.

Plenty of eye-popping numbers on that list. For example, I can't see buying a Benz for my financial advisor. If he's that good with money shouldn't he have some cash of his own?

But here's the line that got to me:

Total amount of checks he wrote his mother, Brenda Boddie—not counting all her bills he paid—even while in prison: $21,400.

I admit I'm jaded, to the point that it doesn't even faze me to learn he showered money on his entourage even as his legal troubles mounted. Those guys are supposed to bleed you. That's why they're hangers on.

But his mom?

Damn, Brenda.

I understand that your son might love you so much that he wanted to keep paying your bills after he got locked up, but as a mother did it never occur to you to ease the financial burden on him once you figured out the money was drying up?

"I know times are hard for you, son, so I'm selling the house and the cars and moving someplace more affordable."

Or....

"I'll find a way to survive on less cash -- but don't you stop paying the bills!"

Or even....

"You can go ahead and cancel Biography Channel subscription. I don't need that and A&E."

Nope. Just keep spending the like the money will last forever.

Note to Vick entourage: forever ends today.